Tuesday, November 21, 2023

Pains of the Soul

When it rains, it pours. 

In the last two weeks I've had yet another person who I love and admire greatly reach out to me to let me know they looked at my blog and felt I was being very critical of the church and would I please stop and use my talents for the Lord instead of for criticism. They said that I had left the church but didn't seem to be able to "leave it alone". I corrected them that I hadn't left the church and, after bawling sufficiently to swell my eyes to an unnatural state - responded to their opinions of me. Then today I had a conversation about the church with the person I wrote about last time and they couldn't help but shake their head and say, "you are negative" and "you are only having a narrow view (of the church)".

So, yeah. Today is a bad day. Today I'd prefer the rocks from the mountains to crush me to dust. Today, I'm mad and sad and...done. Just done! Had I only kept my mouth shut all those years ago. I'm pretty negative today so best for me to shut my mouth now (or restrain my fingers).

All I have for the post is a portion of what I emailed to one individual and said to the other person. Here you go:

Dear (Edit),

Thank you for having the courage to share your feelings. It means you care. I am sorry that my observations hurt your heart. It will be easier to love me if you don't read my blog but I understand if you choose not to do that.

I shouldn't have shared the blog all those years ago. I made a lot of mistakes sharing my journey and if I could go back I would have stayed silent. I have been told by different people I love that I am "un-Christ-like", "prideful", "desiring to lead", "lack of light in my eyes", "not led by the Spirit", and more. I guess I can, to a small degree, relate to Joseph Smith when he said, “You don't know me; you never knew my heart. No man knows my history. I cannot tell it: I shall never undertake it. I don't blame anyone for not believing my history."

I had a conversation with someone a few weeks ago about my family not going to church. They said that our belief in Jesus was "good" but - not enough. We needed to believe in the covenant path (which ironically is more than what the Book of Mormon outlines: Faith, Repentance, Baptism, and the Gift of the Holy Ghost). That broke my heart. Jesus isn't enough in the church. The sister missionaries stopped by last month and we talked in the driveway and they asked me some direct questions. I shared my heart and told them that when Jesus becomes the focus of the church, we will be back in a heartbeat. That if the baptism questions were just about Jesus, we would have the kids be baptized. If the temple questions were just about Jesus, we would be back. I expressed that I was sure I was strange to them and they'd probably not meet another person who had these issues and they said, "Actually, we have met someone who said the same thing yesterday."

So you may feel that I am critical of the church and that I'm not devoting all my energy to the Lord and I will, like the other opinions leveled at me, accept that as your view of me.

I love the members of the church and I have given a life in service of the church. I am thankful I have. I learned so much and grew so much.

May I share a glimpse of how my mind works so you can have understanding?

Reading 4 Nephi chapter 1. I compare what happened to the people of Bountiful to us in the Church today.

Bountiful: Jesus personally ministered to those at Bountiful after His Resurrection.

Us: Almost none of the Saints in Joseph's day to the present day have been ministered to by Jesus Christ. Those lay members that do claim to have seen Him are looked at as a person to avoid.

Bountiful: Jesus left 3 translated beings among them.

Us: Joseph died when the church was in its infancy and no one knew who should lead the church until a vote was taken 3 years later. Our Church continued on by a vote. There were no translated beings among them then or us today.

Bountiful: Jesus told His disciples at Bountiful that they would go on to do the works they saw Him do (3 Nephi 27:21) They went on to heal the sick, raise the dead, cause the lame to walk, be put in fire and not burned, put in dens of beasts and received no harm (4 Nephi 1: 5, 32-33).

Us: After Joseph died there have been almost none of those miracles listed above by those in leadership.

Bountiful: They were personally ministered to by Jesus Christ. They witnessed and some experienced many being raised from the dead. They witnessed and experienced profound healing, even people that couldn't walk - walked! They watched disciples be thrown into fire or in dens of beasts and come out unscathed. And lastly, they were left with three translated beings. Even with all of that, 200 years after Jesus came to Bountiful, the church fell into apostasy.

Us: Miracles nowhere near the magnitude of what they experienced. No visitation from Jesus Christ to those who testify they are Special Witnesses of Christ (and if one were to argue that maybe they have seen Jesus but it's just too sacred to share - the first chapter in 1 Nephi blows the belief of, "not sharing sacred things" out of the water. That's what they are called to do). Additionally we have no translated beings living among us. And yet - we proclaim, "We can never and will never be led astray." Translation: We will never go into apostasy.

The church, 200 years after those at Bountiful were ministered to by Jesus, fell into apostasy.

We are nearing 200 years since the Church was organized (and over 200 years since the first vision) and we are lightyears away from what the people of Bountiful experienced. To believe that they (who had Jesus as their leader) got it wrong but we never could (and never will) is vanity and pride. (2 Nephi 28:11, Moroni 7: 36-37)

My reason for where I am at today is because I don't believe I am chosen above all the rest of the world. I actually believe the Book of Mormon when it shows the amount of pride in people who believe they are chosen above all others (the LDS have so much in common with the Jews).

Moroni gave a chilling warning for the LDS church (one of the most wealthy entities on the planet):

35 Behold, I speak unto you as if ye were present, and yet ye are not. But behold, Jesus Christ hath shown you unto me, and I know your doing.

36 And I know that ye do walk in the pride of your hearts; and there are none save a few only who do not lift themselves up in the pride of their hearts, unto the wearing of very fine apparel, unto envying, and strifes, and malice, and persecutions, and all manner of iniquities; and your churches, yea, even every one, have become polluted because of the pride of your hearts. (Moroni never mentions a special people...the LDS...he says of the church: "even every one")

37 For behold, ye do love money, and your substance, and your fine apparel, and the adorning of your churches, more than ye love the poor and the needy, the sick and the afflicted.

38 O ye pollutions, ye hypocrites, ye teachers, who sell yourselves for that which will canker, why have ye polluted the holy church of God? Why are ye ashamed to take upon you the name of Christ? Why do ye not think that greater is the value of an endless happiness than that misery which never dies—because of the praise of the world?

39 Why do ye adorn yourselves with that which hath no life, and yet suffer the hungry, and the needy, and the naked, and the sick and the afflicted to pass by you, and notice them not?

40 Yea, why do ye build up your secret abominations to get gain, and cause that widows should mourn before the Lord, and also orphans to mourn before the Lord, and also the blood of their fathers and their husbands to cry unto the Lord from the ground, for vengeance upon your heads?

41 Behold, the sword of vengeance hangeth over you; and the time soon cometh that he avengeth the blood of the saints upon you, for he will not suffer their cries any longer.

I am pretty sure my blog posts are more tame than Moroni.

Moroni said we love adorning our churches. Here's something to consider. Look at the difference in temples:


Most temples the church builds are very expensive. Yes, the Lord did command Solomon to build a magnificent temple. But it was one temple. We have 335 (either announced or in some stage of remodeling, building, and operation).

What are Temples for?

To endow the living and then to redeem the dead?

If the work done inside is what matters - then why does it matter how ornate they are? Contrast Rome, Italy with the Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of the Congo temple:

If this temple, which looks more like a large stake center, is sufficient - why must the rest of the temples be so ornate with marble flown in from other countries, etc.

I guess sometimes people in scripture wrote about the corruption they saw and I don't view them as "not having enough energy for the Lord" but trying actively to tear down my idols so I only have Jesus Christ as my sure foundation. If we don't wake up to the fact that we are the people the Book of Mormon prophesied about, then all is vain. (Moroni 7)


The person responded and let me know they didn't understand why I still felt the need to blog negatively about the church. Here is my response:

I have been tame in my writings compared to Moroni's condemnation of us. Moroni said, "Jesus Christ hath shown you unto me, and I know your doing". That is us! Do you see it? Or do you believe he painstakingly wrote that to people who will never read the Book of Mormon? Moroni said there wasn't one single church that was in the right way. He said, "your churches, even every one" are polluted because of pride."

We are in apostasy.

He condemned the apostasy.

We are living in the times Moroni saw. When I blog I am reiterating what Moroni said of the pride of the LDS leaders and people who are polluted because of pride.

We believe we are a chosen people and can never and will never be led astray. There simply isn't a single scripture that can back up that belief. Believing such pollutes the Holy church of God (Mormon 8:38).

People are leaving the church in greater numbers. Access to more church documents from the Joseph Smith papers has opened a floodgate for people to see, for themselves, documents that have been withheld. I literally thank the Lord that as my heart broke, it was divinely caught by a random simple Christian preacher's message and they pointed me right to Jesus.

If my writings can turn one person who is already on their way out not to leave Jesus too, I will.

If my writings can turn one person who is in the church and pridefully believes they are saved just by, "staying in the boat", to Jesus -then I will.

My blog has a purpose: 1. Acknowledge the areas of hypocrisy and pride of the church 2. Acknowledge the members desire (and the leadership's allowance) to place leadership next to or an inch lower than Jesus Himself SO that I can 3. Point the reader back to Jesus Christ.

Why can't I just do #3 ?

Why did Moroni write of the corruption of the Holy church of God? Was he someone who "couldn't leave it alone" too? Or was he trying to strip away false idols and point people to Jesus? He was talking to us. Why do we insist he was talking to everyone but us? Pride.

Who do I think I am that I know more than the church leaders, one may ask? Am I not filled with pride in doing this?

I don't think I'm anyone other than a total loser. Truly. I'm not saying this and hoping you'll say something nice about me when I say that. I don't think I'm smarter than or better than anyone else. That's how I got here - on this path. I knew my sins were great and that I wasn't fit for heaven so I pleaded with God and wrestled with Him in prayer until He answered me. But already knowing I am a loser...that's why these emails or criticism are so hard to receive and leave me bawling every time. I can agree with every accusation leveled at me. I know I am a loser or a jerk or prideful or an idiot or un-Christlike. I have nothing to defend myself with since I see all my flaws. Perhaps my only redeeming quality is that I love Jesus and I want others to know Him and love Him too. And if it means I have to tear down the idols of pride, I will.

How can you point an idolatrous people to Jesus if they believe they are chosen and can't be led astray by an arm of flesh (2 Nephi 4:34)? I can not express how many people I have seen **leave the church and leave God too.** That cuts to my soul and that is why I write.


Sunday, November 5, 2023

Darkness Comprehending the Light

Lot's of feelings this week. I had a conversation with someone that I hold in the highest esteem. They asked me if I go to church and when I told them I did not, they were visibly heartbroken. I detest letting people down. It broke my heart to break theirs. We talked for some time about a few of the concerns I have and my inability to teach my kids the perspective of the church - that Joseph Smith is a liar...and that lying about fidelity is okay. I don't believe he was a liar and the fruit he produced (the Book of Mormon) draws me closer to Jesus (along with the Bible).

They let me know that my belief in Jesus was "good" but...not enough for exaltation. They expressed that they had the spirit, which led them to believe in the church. They lamented that because I did not believe in everything the church teaches I was being influenced by a different spirit. I wanted to share my heart, my journey, my experiences with the spirit and the Lord but the spirit restrained. I left that conversation deeply downcast and depressed. I felt like a failure to that person. They would never really know me in this life. I dislike not being fully understood and known. I hurt to see that someone I love didn't want to fully know me or understand me. I think the Lord knows what that feels like. Meet me here, Lord.

As I drove on the freeway I poured my heart out to the Lord. "I'll go back to church Lord. Is that what You want me to do? I'll do whatever You ask. Please tell me what to do." I then heard, "Ask the Lord if He could give you a sign." I reasoned to myself that sign seeking wasn't wise because a wicked generation seeks a sign (Matt 16:4)...it has never been my go-to to ask for a sign. But again, the thought came to ask for a sign. So I said, "Lord, could you give me a sign?" And literally - I mean literally the moment I said "sign" my eyes glanced to the right to a flashing construction sign on the side of the road. The words flashed, "Use Alternate Route".

I laughed. Out loud.

The depression still lingers. The longing to please those I love still persists. But the longing for Jesus wins out. His will is my Bread. His Presence is my Drink. So I wait upon Him and seek Him.

One of my children said to me today, "Mom - I don't remember when I learned what words meant. Now I look at words and I know what they mean but I know at some point I looked at them and they were just a jumbled mess. But I don't remember when they were messy and meaningless."

And so it is with Jesus and the Lord.

Watch as He 
majestically describes, in His own words, who God is:

40 For intelligence cleaveth unto intelligence; wisdom receiveth wisdom; truth embraceth truth; virtue loveth virtue; light cleaveth unto light; mercy hath compassion on mercy and claimeth her own; justice continueth its course and claimeth its own; judgment goeth before the face of him who sitteth upon the throne and governeth and executeth all things.

41 He comprehendeth all things, and all things are before him, and all things are round about him; and he is above all things, and in all things, and is through all things, and is round about all things; and all things are by him, and of him, even God, forever and ever.

42 And again, verily I say unto you, he hath given a law unto all things, by which they move in their times and their seasons;

43 And their courses are fixed, even the courses of the heavens and the earth, which comprehend the earth and all the planets.

44 And they give light to each other in their times and in their seasons, in their minutes, in their hours, in their days, in their weeks, in their months, in their years—all these are one year with God, but not with man.

45 The earth rolls upon her wings, and the sun giveth his light by day, and the moon giveth her light by night, and the stars also give their light, as they roll upon their wings in their glory, in the midst of the power of God.

46 Unto what shall I liken these kingdoms, that ye may understand?

47 Behold, all these are kingdoms, and any man who hath seen any or the least of these hath seen God moving in his majesty and power.

48 I say unto you, he hath seen him; nevertheless, he who came unto his own was not comprehended.

49 The light shineth in darkness, and the darkness comprehendeth it not; nevertheless, the day shall come when you shall comprehend even God, being quickened in him and by him.

50 Then shall ye know that ye have seen me, that I am, and that I am the true light that is in you, and that you are in me; otherwise ye could not abound.

I love verse 48 and how it talks about He came to His own and wasn't comprehended! Then verse 49 He talks about us not comprehending Him at first. The light shines in darkenss (words being a jumbled mess) and the darkness comprehendeth it not (you before you learned how to read).

And then - if you diligently seek Him and hunger for His Bread and His Living Water - then the day will come that those jumbled words on a page will begin to form a word. And from a word - a sentence and from a sentence - a paragraph. And from a paragraph to poetry. From poetry to a mystery to a tragedy to a triumph. You will know Him so intimately that you won't remember what it was like when you didn't comprehend Him or when you didn't see Him above you, beneath you, in you, and all around you.

God allows us to misunderstand Him, to misinterpret Him. He allows us to seek after the pleasures of our minds and hearts. He asks for our hearts but He doesn't force the relationship. To seek after Him and His will is the greatest challenge and the greatest gift of a lifetime...and few be there that find it. It will cost you the things you cling most tightly to that aren't Him. To step out of the boat of safety onto choppy waters is terrifying. What is the boat that you are clinging to? A seemingly likeminded group of believers? A particular leader? Your family? Your intellect? Your doubts? There are a myriad of jumbled words we can cling to that keep us from comprehending the Alphabet.

A prayer. Lord, I ask You to bless this reader and me with a deeper hunger for Your Bread and Your Water. And the Bread we seek after is Your Will and we pray Your Living Water to flow in us and through us and surround us until that perfect day when our thirst is quenched by Your Grace and Your Majesty. We ask for more of You. We seek for Your Presence and we knock for You to open unto us all that You are. We don't comprehend You - but we do come to You. You are the source of all Truth and we seek after You, the giver of further light and knowledge. In your name, Jesus, we pray.


Friday, October 13, 2023

Stumbling Upward

I've mentioned in other posts that being on this journey we have met some unsavory folks who, when I met them at the time, I told myself that this path requires you to feel uncomfortable and break down barriers that come from being a "safe" and "faithful Mormon". I was deceived, or rather I was hurt by the actions of people more than once and each time I vowed never to let it happen again.

I strongly dislike being duped. I strongly dislike being deceived. I strongly dislike "getting it wrong". I hate getting hurt.

I'm pretty sure you do too. 

I tried hard to make sure I wouldn't "get deceived" again. I took body language classes and tried to learn the scriptures better to shore up any loose ends that would cause me to "get it wrong" in the future. I would look into peoples eyes in an attempt to see what I could see and I prayed for discernment and still..."bad things" seemed to come my way as a result of allowing this person into my life.

As I wrote in another post about Tim Ballard - I encouraged you to, "use discernment!!!" (and basically I wanted you come to the same conclusion that I did). I'll share something about my personality which is a major failing: I don't hide what I'm thinking - good or bad thoughts. I reveal almost everything about myself most of the time. With those I love I share everything and withhold nothing. It gives much for people to pick on. I have been hurt deeply by some who were closest to me because of this. It also means I may say something that is wrong because I think out loud.

When the church came out against Tim Ballard, I jumped on board in my typical personality of defending those I care about. Tim and his wife Katherine showed my family incredible kindness that went above and beyond. And so - if I care about you - I will fight for you. I put myself out there in a blog post and then as the weeks have gone on and the evidence against Tim has piled higher and higher I was in denial of it all. Today - I still don't know the answer of what is true and what isn't (update 11/5/23 - I read the court filings. It's very clear Tim Ballard was deceiving the masses. You can read it here but I don't advise it as it is disgusting in every way). I told you to use discernment when it came to Tim and I found I didn't entirely know all that discernment entails. I still don't. But I'm asking the Lord to teach me and I'm trusting in Him. 

For the last few years I have asked the Lord to give me a word for the year. This year He gave me the word: Discernment. I was SO jazzed. I naively thought that meant the Lord would likely bless me with the gift and I wouldn't be deceived again (or greatly lessen the chance of it happening). Side note: I've learned (and keep forgetting) that it is so important to ask the Lord questions when you hear something. Don't ever assume you know who it came from and that you know what it means....like I did. 

Well, one thing after another led me to lay awake at nights asking myself, "What IS discernment? How do I keep getting it wrong? What am I to do?!"

On my quest for greater understanding I've asked the Lord to teach me and I've felt Him encouraging me to ask a few people to share their thoughts. I have done so and I hope what I write helps you in some way. Thank you for reading my thoughts, by the way. Your attention is precious so the fact that you would come here is amazing. 


1. People are messy. What a person was five years, two years ago, a month ago doesn't mean they are the same person today. Is not the act of laying down each night a symbol of death and each morning a resurrection? Can a person not change from day to day, for good or for ill?

2. Sometimes when we see another person we actually see our own hearts reflected back at us. This can be good and bad. Sometimes our biases and past experiences cause us to mis-judge or mis-discern the situation. It is important to ask the Lord to help you remove your desires and emotions so that you can know His will.

3. Jesus called Judas into the 12 apostles. And Jesus washed Judas' feet along with the other 11. As He washed Judas' feet - He knew Judas would betray Him. So Jesus had discernment, but it didn't mean He never had to bring someone who would betray him into His inner circle. 

4. Discernment and being deceived are two different things.  

I always thought that if I had discernment I would stop making "mistakes". I'd finally, "get it right!" And I would be leveling up in my journey towards sainthood. 

Or something like that. 

I imagined that discernment meant I would always have holy people in my life and I would never make a bad investment spiritually or materially. I had grandiose imaginings and I never bothered to slow down and ask the Lord to teach me what discernment really means...until now. And maybe that was His plan for me all along. 

Ruth's pillar of salt moment: Discernment, in my opinion, is so much easier when you're "on the covenant path" i.e. paying tithing and checking all the Mormon boxes. You just go to church a couple hours a week and you pay your dues and you do what you're asked in your callings and then you're guaranteed a Celestial life. Once you step off that path, or rather, once you step ON the path back to the Tree of Life (Jesus) there are mists of darkness that rise up to make you doubt everything and anything to get you to let go of the iron rod (direct connection to the Spirit of the Lord). It was so much easier when I was asleep. My children's path was "secure" (I know, I know, just let me vent already). It didn't require me to stretch myself to discern and to pray and to discern again and to pray again. 

While I am still learning from the Lord what discernment means, I understand now that if I have discernment it does not mean that I won't suffer because of the actions and choices of another. I may have to suffer because of what I need to learn so I can progress to where I want to be. What if I drew these people into my life for my growth? Or what if I allowed them to draw me into their life so I could bless them in some way or teach them something? Or a little of both...

When I look back at the unsavory characters I brought into the deepest parts of my heart, and was betrayed, I also see the unfathomable connections or lessons or gifts I obtained as a result of that person coming into my life. And, when no gift or lesson has yet revealed itself -  I wonder if that person perhaps needed me or my family in their life to show them something they needed to know or learn. And though it came at the cost of my heart and mind and sometimes with sums of money or the offering of my home or property for extended periods of time, it was frequently something my husband and I prayed about and felt to move forward with. And maybe I didn't "get it wrong" after all.

Now look, I don't want to re-write my past and be all like, "Wow! I never made a mistake! It was all meant to be for my growth!" and thereby cognitive dissonance myself into perfection. 


When you do your very best to keep the Spirit of the Lord with you and when you Seek His Will above ALL else and you pray to not be deceived it doesn't mean you will always interact with the holiest of people. I have this image in my mind that often pops up. It presents itself as a video game that I've never seen and I am not skilled at video games so it's interesting this is what I see. But I see the character of the video game on a quest and they get "off course" by a series of events. Being off course they find themselves in the forest and, not knowing which way to go, end up wandering for hours which eventually causes them to contemplate just giving up on the game. As they contemplate the absurdity of the game - they have a chance meeting with a scary old woman who shows a way out and also offers them a piece of knowledge that later comes to save their life when they are in a perilous situation down the road. Had they not met that unsavory old woman, they would have surely perished. But it was the very thing they needed to do to progress and "level up".

I was reading a blog post recently, also about discernment, that wrote a Joseph Smith quote in a new way (spacing it differently) and so it caught my eye. Here is the quote:

The things of God
   are of deep import; and

(1) time, and

(2) experience, and

 (3) careful and
(4) ponderous and

(5) solemn thoughts

   can only find them out.
   Thy mind, O man!
   if thou wilt lead a soul
   unto salvation, must

(6) stretch as high
     as the utmost heavens, and

(7) search into and

 (8) contemplate the darkest abyss,
     and the broad expanse of eternity.

(Joseph Smith, History of the Church, 3:295–96)

What caught my eye were the words: time and experience. 

I have had a fair amount of time and experience these last 13 years. And the Lord, for the last two years, until this one, told me to: REST.

Matthew 11:
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Taking His yolk...learning of Him i.e.: careful, solemn, and ponderous thoughts about what just happened. 

If we are to have discernment then a big factor will be time...and experience

And after that? 

Careful, solemn, and ponderous thoughts. Stretch high, search into, and contemplate things you never imagined and some things you never wanted to know. 

D&C 52:
14 And again, I will give unto you a pattern in all things, that ye may not be deceived; for Satan is abroad in the land, and he goeth forth deceiving the nations—

15 Wherefore he that prayeth, whose spirit is contrite, the same is accepted of me if he obey mine ordinances.

16 He that speaketh, whose spirit is contrite, whose language is meek and edifieth, the same is of God if he obey mine ordinances.

17 And again, he that trembleth under my power shall be made strong, and shall bring forth fruits of praise and wisdom, according to the revelations and truths which I have given you.

What does it mean to obey the Lord's ordinances? In the church we are taught that ordinances are rituals we need to do to get to heaven. But the word ordinance means: Order or process. In the Bible it means, "anything declared right". 

Ordinance, broken down means: 

Obtaining and doing the Lords will! 

(For more discussion on ordinances you can refer to this blog, here.)

The Lord has given us a pattern that we won't be deceived (D&C 52). But it doesn't mean you won't avoid, "time and experience" with things. Yes, some people are actively choosing to do things that they believe are "the Lord's will" and they are mistaking their own voice, or the voice of a familiar spirit, for His voice. But only time and experience and careful, solemn, and ponderous thought will find it out for them. And for you. And for me. 

D&C 46:
26 And all these gifts come from God, for the benefit of the children of God.

27 And...unto such as God shall appoint ...are to have it given unto them to discern all those gifts lest there shall be any among you professing and yet be not of God.

33 And ye must practice virtue and holiness before me continually. Even so. Amen. 

1 Kings 3:

9 Give therefore thy servant an understanding heart to judge thy people, that I may discern between good and bad: for who is able to judge this thy so great a people?

10 And the speech pleased the Lord, that Solomon had asked this thing.

11 And God said unto him, Because thou hast asked this thing, and hast not asked for thyself long life; neither hast asked riches for thyself, nor hast asked the life of thine enemies; but hast asked for thyself understanding to discern judgment;

12 Behold, I have done according to thy words: lo, I have given thee a wise and an understanding heart; so that there was none like thee before thee, neither after thee shall any arise like unto thee.

The Lord has promised me that those who seek Him with all their hearts, shall find Him. May I ever find Him again and again as I, to quote Jordan Peterson, stumble upward toward the Light. 


Saturday, September 30, 2023

A New Temple Rising


The LDS Temples are a fascinating thing. It is difficult to find evidence that Joseph taught what is now in the endowment. Brigham said that he recorded as much as he could remember from what Joseph taught him, but still - almost nothing is known as to what was accurate and what wasn't. There is little to no historical evidence Joseph ever sealed anyone to himself or otherwise. So much to wonder about. 

Still, there are many who love the temple and attend as often as they can. I have had special experiences in the temple *because I believed it was the only place I could get answers to my really big questions. I have met people who have a strong dislike of the temple and I have met people who believe the temple to be satanic (both types frequently holding a recommend so they can go to their family members weddings....*scratching head*). 

Wherever you stand on the Temple is up to you. For me I believe that Satan takes good things and twists them and I can either pray for discernment to understand what was of God and what was not. Or I can declare it all corrupt, chuck it and move on. I don't blame people for not wanting to unpick a knotted ball of yarn. 

If you are wanting a greater understanding of the Temple, this blog linked below can help. What I do know for sure is that we are the Temple of God and temple work was always about us being dead and spiritually separated from God. The temple, to me, is one of many tools the Lord can use to point that out. 

Happy conference weekend.... :D

Temple Endowment Blog:

Sunday, September 17, 2023

Deep Church

UPDATE 10/5/23

Things are not looking good for Tim. Though I do believe in Deep Church (see post below), I am saddened to see that my discernment skills are still greatly lacking. I hope I'm wrong and that Tim is squeaky clean but as more and more evidence comes out, I see clearly I still have much to do in obtaining the gift of discernment. Humans are messy. We can feel good about a person five years ago and then a lot happens in five years. I'm not the same person I was five years ago. Discernment is a continual process from moment to moment. 

I don't talk politics on this blog, but I do write about church corruption. Turns out, on Friday the church surprisingly revealed it's powerful and subservient connection with the deep state. How do we know this?  

Tim Ballard. 

Tim Ballard is is a former special agent in the United States Department of Homeland Security. Because working for the government had so much red tape when it came to rescuing children who were sex trafficked, Tim left the security of that job, took a risk, and founded the Operation Underground Railroad (O.U.R.) which rescues women and children from sex trafficking. 

Tim recently came under a lot of scrutiny when a movie, The Sound of Freedom, was made depicting what he does in rescuing children and shining light on the sex trafficking industry plaguing the world. The movie was a box office hit that surpassed many movies with far greater budgets. Immediately media outlets began to attack Tim Ballard's character and discredit his work trying to link him with Q-Anon and other "conspiracy theories". 

Interesting reaction to a movie that is actively trying to stop pedophilia and sex trafficking, don't you think?

Why all this vitriol for Tim who is trying to stop human traffickers?

Let's do the math as to reasons people in positions of power would want to discredit Tim:

1. They are participating in pedophilia and they don't want to be caught.


2. They want to normalize pedophilia by working to change the laws surrounding the innocence of children. If a child can legally consent to have their genitals chopped off (gender transitioning) then the law is only one step away from making the child legally old enough to consent to sex.


It's all part of the pedophilia movement and Tim is at the center of it. If you seek to stop pedophilia or speak out on the war in Ukraine or question the White House narrative - expect a character assassination.

So how do we know the Church is in bed with the Deep State and how can we discern that for ourselves?

Let's look at the timeline:

Wednesday, September 13th, 2023: Utah Democrat Republican Sen. Mitt Romney announces he will not run for reelection to the Senate because he knows he can't win in Utah because the jig's up that he's a RINO...fool me once...yada yada.

Later on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023 Utah Attorney General Sean Reyes, who is close to Ballard, let's the cat out of the bag that Tim will be seeking the now vacant senate seat. He said he was looking forward to supporting "a great conservative, patriot, and warrior" who would be announcing a Senate run "in the days to come." 

Friday, September 15th, 2023 at 2:19pm Church owned Deseret News drops a bombshell article accusing Tim Ballard of using President M. Russell Ballard's friendship and name for personal advantage and financial interests. The church then heavily distances itself from Tim. You can read the full article here

Why did the Church give a strong public denunciation just two days after Tim's unofficial announcement that he will be seeking to fill the vacant senate seat? 

Couldn't Elder Ballard have just spoken to Tim privately?

When Tim read what the Church's public announcement said about him - he quickly called his Stake President to see what was going on. He was checking to see - had Elder Ballard spoken with his Stake President first?


It's all part of the character assassination for those that oppose pedophilia.

Saturday, September 16th, 2023 Fox13 releases an article where Tim Ballard responds to the Deseret News article. Tim is in total disbelief that this came from the church. He said, “I’ve never used Elder Ballard’s name. Ever! I’ve never traded on his name to ask for anything. I’ve never had any business dealings with him. He’s like a grandfather to me,” Tim Ballard said. “I don’t believe the Church did this,” he said in the video. “I truly don’t. Can you imagine that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints would publicly condemn one of its members?”

Sadly, the answer to that question is yes. If you are fighting pedophilia, then they will publicly condemn you to take you out in one shot.

If you are truly interested in knowing what the truth surrounding Tim is, pray to the Lord for discernment and then watch Tim express himself by watching the video in this article. I have taken courses and studied body language for the last four years and I wish everyone studied body language. Bodies can't lie, but we can lie with our words. It is important to know what you are looking at when someone is talking. Don't believe what they say with their mouth - believe what their body is saying. Do they match up or are they incongruent?

I watched Tim's body language and saw total congruence. Does someone who is guilty of what the church is accusing him of react this way? He's in complete disbelief and defending the church saying that it couldn't be from the church. Does his off the cuff reaction sound like someone who is guilty to you

Sadly, the church did accuse Tim of being "morally unacceptable" (interesting choice of words coming from the church) because they don't operate for the people they claim to serve. The church leaders are the drunkards of Ephraim (Isaiah 28). They are a Corporation with a Corporation Sole. They are a Business that runs a Church on the side. They are united with the government and if you don't believe it - then you need to pray to know for yourself. Seek discernment.

Our family has a unique connection to Tim Ballard. He and his wife came to our house about five years ago on Christmas Eve day. They had heard that our family had given all our Christmas and vacation money to O.U.R. for many years and they asked to come and surprise us. 

Can you imagine the kind of people he and his wife must be to do that for a little nobody family they just heard about? 

I don't have to imagine - we looked into their eyes and felt of their souls and they are pure hearted people. Being on this "path" of seeing the corruption in the church means I've rubbed shoulders with way too many people and I have come to know for myself what interacting with a good soul feels like and what interacting with a corrupt soul feels like. Tim and his wife, Katherine, are good to the core. 

Aside from Deseret News - VICE news is the main source for this vitriol against Tim Ballard. They are notorious for pushing that pedophiles are not pedophiles but are merely a, "minor attracted person" movement. Do you really want to side with VICE on their painting of Tim's character?

Do you really want to side with the church who is connected to big Pharma (remember how quickly President Nelson pushed the vaccine and parroted the, "safe and effective" verbiage...you don't just "say" those words without being told to do so), The Vatican (you don't get a temple in Rome without kissing the ring), Lying to their members and to the world about their billion dollar hedge fund, or the Church telling their Mormon politicians which way to vote (Mitt was their willing puppet. Do not think for one second that Mitt's opinions and votes were not influenced by the church), and more. 

If this isn't enough to convince you of the Deep Church...consider that the LDS church never made a public statement denouncing Chad and Lori Daybell for murdering children. Yet for Tim, after it came to light he was running for the senate seat, they immediately assassinate his character and denounce him for "misusing an Apostles name" (which he did not do or he would have demonstrated guilt in that video I linked above...instead he defended the church). Doesn't this behavior from the Church seem odd? Not when it's Deep Church. Fight pedophilia and have a connection to Donald Trump and it's assassination time.

Seek after discernment. Is there vitriol for Tim because people disagree with him politically? Do not let the media and the Church tell you how to vote. Take it to the Lord.

1 Samuel 16:7 

But the LORD said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature...for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance (or reads the news), but the LORD looketh on the heart.

Ephesians 6:12

2 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.


Sunday, September 3, 2023

The *NEW Articles of Faith

It seemed time to update the Articles of Faith to match the current teachings of the church. This is not an official publication of the church *no matter how much it may sound like it came from the church. The work is my own

1 We believe in the Current President of the Church, God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.

2 We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgression (and we believe that a bishop will tell you when the punishment of your sins is over which will not be by revelation but by a suggested timeline in a handbook).

3 We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel the covenant path (insomuch as the President of the Church does or does not explain what that entails).

4 We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ current President of the church; second, Repentance Staying on the Covenant Path; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins (after you have a bishops interview where you pledge allegiance to the leadership of the church and promise to pay your tithing); fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost (which we will teach that you received instantly and is the same as baptism of fire).

5 We believe that (an infallible) man must be called of God, by prophecy seniority (via the LDS tradition of prophetic succession which can be found nowhere else in scripture...God isn't the same yesterday, today, and forever when He call's prophet's yo!), and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority (his bro's in the Quorum of the 12), to preach the Gospel (only at General Conference to a friendly crowd) and administer in the ordinances thereof to be the presiding authority at all events, even funerals.

6 We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church (they had hedge funds too ya know), namely, apostles (also called, "special witnesses of Christ" but don't ask them to share their witness, it's too special and you are swine), prophets (also known as the President of the Corporation Sole), pastors Area Authority 70's, teachers (the 14 year old ones), evangelists missionaries (and apostles and prophet's are NOT missionaries because they are busy running a corporation The Church and are different than the ancient apostles who taught hostile crowds and gave their lives to spread the Gospel), and so forth.

7 We believe in the gift of tongues (only as it pertains to missionaries learning a language quickly), prophecy (safe & effective), revelation (aka policy changes) visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth.

8 We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God whatever the current President of the church has said.

9 We believe all that God has revealed all that the current President revealed (though comic books age well with time (link), past revelations do not), all that He does now reveal (even if he consistently chooses not to reveal anything) and we believe that He will yet reveal many great policy changes and important things policy changes pertaining to the Kingdom of God the Church.

10 We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; owning a 150 billion dollar hedge fund which will not be used to help the poor but to help with the Second Coming (link) so that Christ will be able to come back to reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory.

11 We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience the prophet and apostles, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how...they are told (don't be too familiar with Jesus (link), remember it's Thee and Thou), where (in a chapel or temple...don't even think about hiking a mountain and building an altar and pouring your heart out to God), or what (worshiping church leadership is okay) they may.

12 We believe in being subject to kings presidents of the church, rulers (i.e. apostles), and magistrates Area Authorities, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law (unless you are hiding a 150 billion dollar hedge fund from the members, then it's okay to lie, etc. etc. etc. and we "consider the matter closed" (link) ). 

13 We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men spending tithing money on more and more Temples so we can do dead works; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul (as long as it agrees with Russell or current President)—We believe all things (we are told to believe), we hope all things to go to the Celestial Kingdom but surely we can't know our standing before God until we die (unless you are part of the inner circle and can have your 'second anointing')
we have endured many things (thanks Brigham) and hope to be able to endure all things buy more shopping malls. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy in the General Conference semi-anual report, we seek after these things.

Did I miss anything? Feel free to comment below and add to what I may have overlooked.

Sunday, August 27, 2023

Even if...will you still Trust Me?

Something about me is that I'm not too great at thinking things through. I've been bucked off of a horse multiple times. Nearly fell to my death to the bottom of a well. Rolled 40 feet down the face of a mountain when I encountered two rattlesnakes (superman dive to get away). Swung off of a 25 foot bolder on a little rope that miraculously had a loop at the end which somehow caught my leg as I fell. Tarzan! Jumped off of a 80 foot cliff into the ocean because it seemed 'cool' and I landed chest first and had the bruises all over my upper body to prove it. I'm a product of a child in the 80's - not a lot of "tell your parents what you're up to everyday" kind of kid.

I knew since the age of 5 I would go on a mission, so I never thought it through. I just knew I was going and that was that. When I listened to homecoming talks I only paid attention to the good stuff (the miracle stories) which I allowed to shape my mind that miracles were all a mission was. BIG shock when I got there. I lived life in a way that was head first into dangerous predicaments and only later took time to contemplate the insanity of the situation.

Back in 2019 we decided to move and that led us to build a house. When Covid hit and everything shut down, it looked as though we were going to lose everything. I was incredibly depressed. I had felt the Lord guide us this far even down to the location so I went for a long walk to tell the Lord how I felt about it all. As I walked and poured out my heart to Him I heard Him say, "Even if you lose everything, will you still Trust Me?" This was a big moment for me. 1. God spoke to me directly and 2. He wanted an answer. Whenever the Lord has posed questions to me in the past I often gave an immediate, "Oh yes Lord, of course!" kind of response and then later sometimes I would regret my hasty answer.

So this time I said, "Let me think about it." And I walked and thought and walked and thought and analyzed it from every angle. And I decided this time I would mean what I say and not just say it and think about it later. So I said it.

"Yes Lord, I will still trust You."

And I meant it.

And my heart felt at peace. I would give it all up and I would still trust Him.

About two years ago I would frequently wake up in the middle of the night and I would hear in my mind a question from the Lord. Each night the question was different but all quite similar. Here were some of the questions: "Ruth, if you are hungry and you pray for food and no food comes, will you still Trust Me?" "Ruth, if your child is sick and you pray for them to be healed and they are not, will you still Trust Me?" "Ruth, if you pray for your child not to die, and they die - will you still Trust Me?" "Ruth, if you lose your house, will you still Trust Me?" "Ruth, if Ryan loses his job, will you still Trust me?"

Each night I listened to a new question and as I laid there in the dark my mind would think through each question deeply. I didn't want to say 'yes' if I didn't truly mean it. I have told the Lord before, when various levels of tragedy struck my life that, "I will never trust You again!" And I cried and He stayed with me until I said I was sorry and that I would still love Him and Trust Him. But this time felt different. I was different. It seemed to be an act of spiritual maturity that I hadn't had before, I guess.

"Even if.....will you still Trust Me?"

With each question - I gave a full mind, body, spirit:


I will still Trust You.

I expect He will ask me to Trust Him again, and again, and again.

And I expect He will ask you to Trust Him again...and again...and again.

Trusting God is the ultimate test of this life. In your coming days and months and years - Trusting God and trusting...His Heart will be the most important spiritual gift you will possess and will be closely tied to your ability to receive revelation so that you know when He has spoken to you...and when He has not.

God has been wrongly accused of having 'said' many things that He never said but people claimed that "God told me....". I have wrongly said I received something from the Lord and only when I looked back could I begin to discern it was not Him but another spirit. 

Not being able to discern which voice or spirit is speaking to you will lead you to doubt God. 

Once you begin to doubt God you will easily be lead to doubt that He speaks to you. 

That deadly combination, sprinkled with a lack of humility, will begin to harden your heart not to trust Him. 

Revelation directly from God should be the pursuit of a lifetime.

Trusting the Heart of God was the very first test of Adam and Eve so why would it be any different for you? He told them to freely eat of every tree... "But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die." (Gen. 2: 15-17) But they doubted His Goodness and reached for that which would exalt them and make them "as the gods" (Gen. 3:5).

Not Trusting their God lead to their fall. And it will lead to yours and mine.

To be redeemed from the fall means that you have to Trust Him. 

To trust Him means that you believe in Him and His words to you. 

That leads you to seek His voice and His voice alone. 

Knowing His voice (coupled with humility) will lead you to do His will when He speaks to you. 

If you don't do these things then you are numbered among the wicked who remain as though there had been no redemption made.
39 ...Yea, he is the very Eternal Father of heaven and of earth, and all things which in them are; he is the beginning and the end, the first and the last;

40 And he shall come into the world to redeem his people; and he shall take upon him the transgressions of those who believe on his name; and these are they that shall have eternal life, and salvation cometh to none else.

41 Therefore the wicked remain as though there had been no redemption made, except it be the loosing of the bands of death; for behold, the day cometh that all shall rise from the dead and stand before God, and be judged according to their works. (Alma 11) 

If you're struggling to trust God right now you need to know that this is where you need to go first. Let us not enter our closets to with the hope to pierce the veil if we don't even fully Trust Him.

#recipefordisaster right there.  

Broken trust is like a ball of yarn that needs untangling. It's easier just to ignore the ball of yarn or chuck it all together. Unpicking each knot takes time and effort. 

If you really want to know God as He was meant to be known - then you will need to go back and ask Him to show you when you first started not to trust Him. And then ask Him to show you what the truth was. What was it that Satan capitalized on that day when your heart turned away from Him just a little? And what is it that that Satan still uses today to capitalize on your wound? 

Until you go back to that moment - and ask Jesus to go with you so He can interpret it for you - until you go back to that moment and untangle what has been mangled, you will go this far and not farther. 

You'll be a ball of mangled yarn for the devil to bat you back and forth in his claws of further knotty evilness. 

Time to untangle. 


Time to Trust in Him.

Even If...


Mercy Me