I knew since the age of 5 I would go on a mission, so I never thought it through. I just knew I was going and that was that. When I listened to homecoming talks I only paid attention to the good stuff (the miracle stories) which I allowed to shape my mind that miracles were all a mission was. BIG shock when I got there. I lived life in a way that was head first into dangerous predicaments and only later took time to contemplate the insanity of the situation.
Back in 2019 we decided to move and that led us to build a house. When Covid hit and everything shut down, it looked as though we were going to lose everything. I was incredibly depressed. I had felt the Lord guide us this far even down to the location so I went for a long walk to tell the Lord how I felt about it all. As I walked and poured out my heart to Him I heard Him say, "Even if you lose everything, will you still Trust Me?" This was a big moment for me. 1. God spoke to me directly and 2. He wanted an answer. Whenever the Lord has posed questions to me in the past I often gave an immediate, "Oh yes Lord, of course!" kind of response and then later sometimes I would regret my hasty answer.
So this time I said, "Let me think about it." And I walked and thought and walked and thought and analyzed it from every angle. And I decided this time I would mean what I say and not just say it and think about it later. So I said it.
"Yes Lord, I will still trust You."
And I meant it.
And my heart felt at peace. I would give it all up and I would still trust Him.
About two years ago I would frequently wake up in the middle of the night and I would hear in my mind a question from the Lord. Each night the question was different but all quite similar. Here were some of the questions: "Ruth, if you are hungry and you pray for food and no food comes, will you still Trust Me?" "Ruth, if your child is sick and you pray for them to be healed and they are not, will you still Trust Me?" "Ruth, if you pray for your child not to die, and they die - will you still Trust Me?" "Ruth, if you lose your house, will you still Trust Me?" "Ruth, if Ryan loses his job, will you still Trust me?"
Each night I listened to a new question and as I laid there in the dark my mind would think through each question deeply. I didn't want to say 'yes' if I didn't truly mean it. I have told the Lord before, when various levels of tragedy struck my life that, "I will never trust You again!" And I cried and He stayed with me until I said I was sorry and that I would still love Him and Trust Him. But this time felt different. I was different. It seemed to be an act of spiritual maturity that I hadn't had before, I guess.
With each question - I gave a full mind, body, spirit:
I will still Trust You.
I expect He will ask me to Trust Him again, and again, and again.
And I expect He will ask you to Trust Him again...and again...and again.
Trusting God is the ultimate test of this life. In your coming days and months and years - Trusting God and trusting...His Heart will be the most important spiritual gift you will possess and will be closely tied to your ability to receive revelation so that you know when He has spoken to you...and when He has not.
God has been wrongly accused of having 'said' many things that He never said but people claimed that "God told me....". I have wrongly said I received something from the Lord and only when I looked back could I begin to discern it was not Him but another spirit.
Trusting the Heart of God was the very first test of Adam and Eve so why would it be any different for you? He told them to freely eat of every tree... "But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die." (Gen. 2: 15-17) But they doubted His Goodness and reached for that which would exalt them and make them "as the gods" (Gen. 3:5).
Not Trusting their God lead to their fall. And it will lead to yours and mine.
39 ...Yea, he is the very Eternal Father of heaven and of earth, and all things which in them are; he is the beginning and the end, the first and the last;
40 And he shall come into the world to redeem his people; and he shall take upon him the transgressions of those who believe on his name; and these are they that shall have eternal life, and salvation cometh to none else.
41 Therefore the wicked remain as though there had been no redemption made, except it be the loosing of the bands of death; for behold, the day cometh that all shall rise from the dead and stand before God, and be judged according to their works. (Alma 11)
If you're struggling to trust God right now you need to know that this is where you need to go first. Let us not enter our closets to with the hope to pierce the veil if we don't even fully Trust Him.
#recipefordisaster right there.
Broken trust is like a ball of yarn that needs untangling. It's easier just to ignore the ball of yarn or chuck it all together. Unpicking each knot takes time and effort.
If you really want to know God as He was meant to be known - then you will need to go back and ask Him to show you when you first started not to trust Him. And then ask Him to show you what the truth was. What was it that Satan capitalized on that day when your heart turned away from Him just a little? And what is it that that Satan still uses today to capitalize on your wound?
Until you go back to that moment - and ask Jesus to go with you so He can interpret it for you - until you go back to that moment and untangle what has been mangled, you will go this far and not farther.
You'll be a ball of mangled yarn for the devil to bat you back and forth in his claws of further knotty evilness.
Time to untangle.