The *NEW Articles of Faith

It seemed time to update the Articles of Faith to match the current teachings of the church. This is not an official publication of the church *no matter how much it may sound like it came from the church. The work is my own. 

1 We believe in the Current President of the Church, God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.


2 We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgression (and we believe that a bishop will tell you when the punishment of your sins is over which will not be by revelation but by a suggested timeline in a handbook).


3 We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel the covenant path (insomuch as the President of the Church does or does not explain what that entails).


4 We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ current President of the church; second, Repentance Staying on the Covenant Path; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins (after you have a bishops interview where you pledge allegiance to the leadership of the church and promise to pay your tithing); fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost (which we will teach that you received instantly and is the same as baptism of fire).


5 We believe that (an infallible) man must be called of God, by prophecy seniority (via the LDS tradition of prophetic succession which can be found nowhere else in scripture...God isn't the same yesterday, today, and forever when He call's prophet's yo!), and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority (his bro's in the Quorum of the 12), to preach the Gospel (only at General Conference to a friendly crowd) and administer in the ordinances thereof to be the presiding authority at all events, even funerals.


6 We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church (they had hedge funds too ya know), namely, apostles (also called, "special witnesses of Christ" but don't ask them to share their witness, it's too special and you are swine), prophets (also known as the President of the Corporation Sole), pastors Area Authority 70's, teachers (the 14 year old ones), evangelists missionaries (and apostles and prophet's are NOT missionaries because they are busy running a corporation The Church and are different than the ancient apostles who taught hostile crowds and gave their lives to spread the Gospel), and so forth.

7 We believe in the gift of tongues (only as it pertains to missionaries learning a language quickly), prophecy (safe & effective), revelation (aka policy changes) visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth.

8 We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God whatever the current President of the church has said.

9 We believe all that God has revealed all that the current President revealed (though comic books age well with time (link), past revelations do not), all that He does now reveal (even if he consistently chooses not to reveal anything) and we believe that He will yet reveal many great policy changes and important things policy changes pertaining to the Kingdom of God the Church.

10 We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; owning a 150 billion dollar hedge fund which will not be used to help the poor but to help with the Second Coming (link) so that Christ will be able to come back to reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory.

11 We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience the prophet and apostles, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how...they are told (don't be too familiar with Jesus (link), remember it's Thee and Thou), where (in a chapel or temple...don't even think about hiking a mountain and building an altar and pouring your heart out to God), or what (worshiping church leadership is okay) they may.

12 We believe in being subject to kings presidents of the church, rulers (i.e. apostles), and magistrates Area Authorities, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law (unless you are hiding a 150 billion dollar hedge fund from the members, then it's okay to lie, etc. etc. etc. and we "consider the matter closed" (link) ). 

13 We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men spending tithing money on more and more Temples so we can do dead works; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul (as long as it agrees with Russell or current President)—We believe all things (we are told to believe), we hope all things to go to the Celestial Kingdom but surely we can't know our standing before God until we die (unless you are part of the inner circle and can have your 'second anointing'), we have endured many things (thanks Brigham) and hope to be able to endure all things buy more shopping malls. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy in the General Conference semi-anual report, we seek after these things.

Did I miss anything? Feel free to comment below and add to what I may have overlooked.